


Unclean

by Unofficialshippingtrash



Category: Tales of Vesperia
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, I sure do love making characters suffer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-06
Updated: 2019-02-06
Packaged: 2019-10-23 11:37:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,817
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17682701
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Unofficialshippingtrash/pseuds/Unofficialshippingtrash
Summary: "You know what it's like to kill, right?"





	Unclean

Estelle woke up in the middle of the night.

It wasn't a nightmare or anything, just the nagging sense of  _absence_ when she rolled over and found a suspicious abundance of space to move. Estelle's been sleeping together with Yuri so long, almost a year now, that she knows when he's out of bed before her.

Most of the time it's because he's just an early riser, a habit born from constantly having to get up early whenever the lower quarter inevitably descends into chaos. Or he might insist that he'll get in trouble, despite the fact that as Estelle tells him, he's legally her concubine, being caught in her bed would be embarrassing, but not against the law. Or occasionally, he just feels like pulling a prank, like that time he hid all her clothes around the room, forcing Estelle to comb the area for enough articles to look decent and not be caught in her nightgown.

Yet for some unknowable reason, there Yuri was, looking out of the open window (no wonder she woke up, the room's freezing right now!) and muttering something Estelle couldn't quite make out in her sleep delirious state.

"Yuri? What happened...? Come back to bed, 'm cold and I need your body heat…" Estelle's half awake brain manages to slur out.

Yuri looked back and shook his head. "Aren't you just a bit old for needing something to cuddle with in order to sleep?"

"If you wanna be vague about it, I could just have you arrested and interrogated until you give the answers I want. Besides, you're my favourite cuddle toy anyway." Estelle rolled her eyes at his blatantly obvious attempt to dodge her question.

"Flynn would call your behaviour 'inappropriately juvenile' y'know."

"I'm 19. I'm still technically a teenager. Besides, who cares about what Flynn thinks? Right now, I'm interested in what you're thinking Yuri."

Yuri sighed and closed the window before sitting on the bed they shared.

"Midnight passed just a few minutes ago, at least by my best guess. Do you know what that makes today the anniversary of?"

"Seems like any normal day to me. What makes today so special for you?" Estelle looked bewildered at Yuri's statement.

Yuri looked down at the floor. "Well… I… Do you really wanna know? I don't know if-"

Estelle fully leaned up in bed and placed a firm hand on Yuri's shoulder. "Yuri, we've been together for so long at this point. Our relationship is ironclad. I understand if you have apprehensions, but you shouldn't be worried."

When Yuri still refused to acknowledge her inquiry, Estelle tried a different approach.

"If you're concerned about my potential reaction, don't. At this point, I don't think there's anything that could make me stop loving you." Estelle warmly reassured Yuri while gently caressing his hand.

Yuri breathed heavily through his nose as though he was psyching himself up to confess what he was holding back from Estelle.

"It's the same day I took matters into my own hands and killed Ragou. I won't apologise for doing what I had to do. That bastard was gonna get away with killing children for sport if I didn't act. But I just…"

Yuri chewed his lip thoughtfully. "You know what it's like to kill someone, right?"

Estelle visibly winced at the memory. How  _could_  she forget what it felt to take another's life?

* * *

 

It was just a normal fight they had gotten into. Bandits had ambushed them on their way to Capua Nor, and so they had a small scuffle. At first, Estelle thought it would be fine. They would simply disarm them and be on their way. Maybe injure them if it came to it, but she'd be there to fix them up.

But she hadn't accounted for just how desperate they were.

As Estelle deflected another low aiming stab for her gut, she took the opportunity to break her opponents guard and smashed her shield into his arm to fully disarm him of his dagger.

"Please, surrender while you can. You have no weapon and I have no desire to hurt you anymore-"

"Goddamn noble brat! Think you know anything about fighting huh?! They teach you it's over once you get rid of the weapon and you all make up happy?!"

Estelle was taken aback. "What? No, please stop fighting! You could hurt yourself!"

Ignoring her warning, the unnamed vagabond threw himself at Estelle and promptly knocked the wind out of her while her guard was down. As Estelle dropped her weapons while she doubled over gasping for air, she was too distracted to notice the follow up hook to her jaw that sent her sprawling into the grass nearby and dazed her from the impact.

Estelle could faintly make out what she thought might be Rita's voice, before her awareness began to slip away. Desperately trying to avoid leaving herself open for attack, Estelle forced herself to try and  _focus! She couldn't afford to die!_

She vaguely felt the next attack as she was pulled up by her hair- Spirits that  _hurt!_ Mercifully, it was enough to get Estelle's head back from the hazy dream state it was stuck in. Only for Estelle to regret it as she felt the next strike of her head meeting the dirt again. She willed her legs to try and get up, only for a pair of calloused and rough hands to wrap around her throat and  _squeeze._

Panic set in. Estelle desperately clawed at her assailants hands, just hoping to get some space so she could  _breathe already, this isn't natural!_

No luck, the hands weren't budging. Estelle's already weakened condition beforehand meant that could already feel her struggling get weaker, her hazy vision getting worse.

_No, please no! I don't want to die! I still haven't told Flynn what he needs to know yet, and I don't know if I-_

Even her thoughts were now failing her. She couldn't make big and complicated thoughts anymore. She didn't have time because  _she was going to die._  Estelle could feel herself going limp. She started thrashing around, desperate for anything to free herself. Nothing around her was any use, she was left to her own devices which weren't good enough to save her _,_   _please_   _spirits, don't let me die!_

And then she managed to reach for something in her desperate struggle to survive, a tool to free herself! What was it, what did it feel like? Who cares, she was  _dying_  and she had to free herself  _right now!_

She grabbed the vague _,_ short object and  _pushed_  it into her attacker.

Estelle quickly realised what she'd done when she could finally breathe and she could feel some wet liquid dripping onto her face.

She knew. She knew what had happened.

Estelle wished she had kept her eyes closed, because then she would've been able to stop looking at the blank eyes that refused to stare back at her, and the dagger stuck in his throat like a misplaced blemish spot that just  _didn't belong there._

Estelle couldn't scream or cry or throw up.

She just had enough energy to crawl into a ball and try to forget the bloodstains that were ruining her outfit, seeping into her body and taunting her. That Estellise Sidos Heurassein was a monster, a murderer. Nothing could change that now.

Nothing.

* * *

 

It took a while for Yuri and the others to set up camp around her. No one dared to move her, especially not when she hadn't said a word since she killed the thief. Apparently, the others were too occupied with fighting his friends to come to her aid fast enough.

Estelle wasn't sure herself. She was too scared of saying something and being seen as some weird freak because how could a monster like her ever say anything remotely compassionate or reassuring? Did someone like Rita want to hear words of comfort from a murderer?

"Why not ask me yourself?"

The mage in question must've heard her speaking out loud. Great. Just another person that wanted to cast her off. Just like her mother, just like Yuri-

"Estellise- no,  _Estelle,_  give it a break already!"

_What?_

"You… you said you wanted me to call you Estelle right? Well there you go," Rita stated in her usual stubborn but well meaning demeanour. "I know you might be scared of yourself, or us or what we may or may not be thinking right now but-"

Rita let out a deeply frustrated yell.

"Ugh, this pussyfooting about and being delicate with words is  _stupid!_  I get that you want to stop talking to us because you're sad right now or something, but I don't  _want_  you to shut up! I wanna keep talking to you, because you're the first person to try talking to me and be cool about my interests and you've even seen my weird lewd stuff and didn't instantly hate me for it until the other jerks in Aspio that I thought I could trust and… and..."

Estelle didn't dare say anything back to Rita's sudden outburst. How could she? That girl was pouring her heart out. There didn't seem to be a mouth to brain filter going on right now. And...

Was Rita crying?

The sniffles and sobs she heard couldn't be anything else right? She didn't feel her eyes pick like she normally does when she cries. Did Rita really want her after all? Did… did everyone else want her still?

Deciding to brave the possibility of betrayal, Estelle shuffled a little closer to Rita before leaning into her shoulder. "Are we still friends? Even… even though I'm a murderer? Do you still want to be near someone as unclean and filthy as me?"

"Dummy… of course we all want you," Rita sniffed again before replying. "Yuri's been so worried about you, but didn't say anything because he didn't wanna screw up saying something to you and make you even more sad. Karol's scared because one of the only adults here is all quiet and depressed. And I… I just want you back because none of the guys are as patient as you are. They don't appreciate my blastia expertise like you do."

In lieu of an answer, Estelle just snuggles closer to Rita and tries to calm down and remember that everyone here still wants her, even after she's been sullied by murder.

* * *

 

Estelle placed her hands on her lap after she finished giving her brief recount of what she knew about killing and what it meant to Yuri.

"So that's what you were talking with Rita about that night? I thought you were just reading a book." Yuri said.

"Not quite…" Estelle sighed in exhaustion. "That's also not the end of it and you know it. It took… a while before I started… healing." She went unnaturally silent and began fidgeting before trying to speak again.

"I remember all the times I woke up screaming in fear because I couldn't forget his face. All the moments where I couldn't stop wondering what led him down the path that got… that got him killed."

Yuri let her speak her mind for a bit before interrupting.

"Estelle I… you don't have to keep going. Besides, that's not my point." Yuri quickly interjected before she could continue recalling any more of her painful memories.

He shuffled around so that he was facing away from her.

"The worst part about killing isn't when it happens. It's when you don't have any excuses to delude yourself."

* * *

 

Yuri killed a few people in his brief stint with the knights, but that still doesn't help him for the first actual kill he's going to make here.

He double checks the alleyways. Good, still empty. At this hour, everyone's asleep. And in this part of town, he knows Ragou probably wants somewhere quiet to plot about killing puppies or something.

Ragou has to die. There's no other option.

Flynn already tried the lawful route and it failed. If Ragou is ever going to be stopped, Yuri has to take justice into his own hands.

He sees him. Just one bodyguard? Arrogant bastard.

A quick run up and slash to the kidney and he's already down and plunging into the river below. Or at least, bleeding too much for it to matter.

"It's- It's you!"

Yuri pivots to face his soon-to-be victim. Just the snake himself to deal with now.

"D-do you know who I am? I'm a member of the council! I c-could crush you with a single command!"

_Dammit!_

It's so hard to justify killing when they beg. Because Yuri knows that under the pile of utter despicable atrocities Ragou has committed, there's still a scared man who just doesn't want to die. A monster that used to be a child, who probably had no idea this is how he would meet his end.

"Y-you won't get away with this!"

_You're one to talk about getting off scot free, you bastard. How many times have you gotten away with worse crimes than this?_

"The laws and the council may have let you go, but I'm afraid I can't do that."

_Forget about sympathy Yuri. He's a monster. He doesn't deserve any mercy,_ The nagging part of Yuri's mind informs him.  _It's easier if you do that. You can't afford to go back anyway. Not now. If they catch you, that's going to be the end. Locked up for life, and Estelle is going to have to suffer through all of it._

Yuri lunges forward with that mindset, ignoring Ragou's pleas for him to stay away, and slicing him clean across the neck from behind as the latter makes a pathetically weak attempt to escape, aiming for his neck for the quick decapitation.

_Ragou had to die. There was no other way._

That's how Yuri justifies it, how he can live with all the blood covering him and clinging like nagging reminder that he'll  _never_  be clean anymore. How he can stomach seeing Ragou's spine bent and warped horrifically through his torn robes as he plummets into the river below.

_Guess I was off with my strike. Talk about pathetic._

Yuri lets a sigh escape him. He doesn't have to worry about Ragou hurting anyone ever again. He finishes covering up his crime, stripping off his bloodstained clothes and hurling them into the river as well. With any luck, they'll blend in with the rest of the trash in there, and if they do find it, it's too badly soaked through and stained to identify it as his.

As he walks back to the inn, he notices Repede's steadfast gaze. That dog always was too smart for his own good. Repede doesn't say a word or make a noise. Still, Yuri wonders; does Repede understand why he did what he did? Or is his look one of judgement and shame?

He isn't sure he wants to know.

* * *

 

The second time is easier, and that's what scares Yuri the most.

There's no hesitation this time. He rehearses the motions that he  _shouldn't be familiar with._ Checking for witnesses? Done, looks like Cumore won't have backup for a while. Likelihood of any disturbances? Minimal, the desert chill and the cover of dark this late at night should be sufficient. Mental preparations? No need, Cumore doesn't deserve to live-

Yuri catches himself. Cumore is just a monstrous piece of work that won't be caught be legal means. So he has to dirty himself again. That's why he's doing this. Not for his own gratification. Murder isn't something to be proud of.

Yuri didn't feel any cleaner after taking a dozen showers following his murder of Ragou. What will happen after this one? Is he going to start hallucinating?

_There's no time for that._ His inner voice criticises.  _Can you let scum like Cumore live?_

No. Absolutely not. Cumore doesn't deserve to live. That's what he decided.

Or at least that's how Yuri thought before watching the man slowly being swallowed up by the quicksand.

"I-I beg you! Please spare my life!"

_What are you doing Yuri?!_ The overly compassionate side of him begins screaming.  _The rope is right there! You can't condemn him like this, it's too cruel!_

_Cumore forfeited the right to be treated as human when he treated commoners like basic commodities to be exchanged,_ His inner justice argues inside his head.  _He deserves worse._

Yuri doesn't even think about it. All he does is passively watch as Cumore slowly sinks into the inescapable pit. There's nothing but apathy in his heart, because he can't afford to hate him.

If he does, he'll only be reminded of how just like Ragou, at one point he was an innocent child that probably didn't take after such toxic ideals. Given how much younger he is than Ragou however…

Were his parents still alive? Did they admire what their son had become? Were they completely oblivious and as far as they would know, Yuri had killed their precious child that they had raised together in cold blood?

"Please not like this! I-I don't want to go like this!"

The pleading only makes it worse. Yuri's compassion is louder now, begging him to spare this piece of trash's life at the most dangerous time. His justice rising up to challenge it just makes it harder.

So Yuri does the only thing he can. He stops feeling. He detaches his emotions entirely.

"How many times have you heard those same words?"  _Killing him this way feels fittingly ironic, given how much this sadistic bastard probably drew out his kills._

Yuri realises it's so much easier to kill when you're detached. It's useful in shrugging off Cumore's screams of terror as he sinks below the sand and begins struggling to stay afloat, as sand begins pouring into his every orifice and Yuri swears he briefly sees his eyes begin falling out to accommodate the new influx of material into his body.

He finally sighs in relief. Another piece of scum eliminated. Justice has been done.

So why does he feel so dirty and disgusting?

* * *

 

"I didn't realise just how close I was to jumping off the deep end back there." Yuri said as his voice began wavering with uncertainty. "I didn't even think twice about killing Cumore. I didn't think at all about what might have led to him to follow the path that he did. If it hadn't been for Flynn inadvertently reminding me why I killed him, I dunno what would have happened to me."

"And that's why you asked me if I was scared of you?" Estelle inquired. Yuri responded with a non verbal nod.

"The second you stop thinking about why people act the way they do, it's the first sign that you don't care about the human element, and that you're just planning on killing people you don't like, regardless of what they've done." Yuri reluctantly confessed, sounding ashamed of himself as he said it.

He then finally stood up and turned just enough to barely glance at Estelle. "That's why I can't help but feel so unclean. There's a difference between killing someone in self defence and killing because you don't think they deserve to live. That's why I-"

_This stupid little- "_ Yuri, I want you to look at me."

"Huh? Estelle, what-"

"Turn and look at me Yuri!" Estelle commanded while grabbing Yuri's shoulders to pivot him fully into facing her. And yet, Yuri was still avoiding her eyes.

"Yuri, please," Estelle softly requested. "Can you please let me in? I want to know what you're thinking."

A brief moment of silence washed over Estelle's room. The tension was unspoken, but thicker than the walls of Heracles.

After what could've been either 5 seconds or 5 minutes to the overly focused and concerned mind of Estelle, Yuri finally mustered the courage to look at her, and began answering her questions.

"I've dirtied my hands too many times now. I can't look at you right now, because it just reminds me of how…" He pauses again, considering his words. "Just how different we are. You're like a pure rose standing next to a weed. Or something. Never was good with plants-"

Estelle decided to shush him by pressing a finger to his lips.

"Yuri, I've killed my share of people by now as well. The amount of blood on your hands isn't that different from mine."

"But-"

Estelle forced his silence with her finger again.

"Don't tell me about how it isn't the same. Killing another human being is a grave sin. What makes our kills different? We've shed blood for selfish reasons, whether it be for our own survival or for the sake of justice."

Estelle replaced her fingers with her lips as she lightly pecked Yuri on his cheek.

"So please don't pretend that our crimes are so different. I fell in love with you because you were a good, kind hearted person. You didn't kill Ragou and Cumore because you just didn't like them, you did it because you wanted to stop them from committing any more despicable acts."

She pulled Yuri back down into sitting on the bed with her.

"And when I lost control of my body, you refused to kill me even when I begged you to stop me however you could. You were even willing to ask Duke for help, despite knowing his reasons for why he wasn't following our path. That's not something a mere murderer does."

Estelle paused, to give Yuri a chance to speak. When she heard nothing from him, she concluded.

"It's like I said," She stopped to briefly kiss Yuri on his lips this time. "Nothing at this point could make me stop loving you."

Yuri finally sighed in defeat.

"You always have a way of brightening my spirits, huh? No wonder I was so attracted to you, otherwise it'd be a non stop pity party for me." Yuri chuckled.

Seemingly too exhausted to continue their argument, Yuri flopped down fully on the bed, before reaching out for Estelle's hand, a double motion she duplicated.

"Sorry for being such a downer there."

"Yuri…"

"Alright, alright. Pity party's been officially cancelled."

Estelle allowed a smirk to crawl onto her face, as an idea began to take shape in her head.

"Then tomorrow, we're going to cancel all pity parties for you. Forever."

"What?! How else am I to self depreciate? Such a cruel mistress you are!" Yuri reacted with mock horror.

"Don't worry," Estelle replied with a notably teasing tone. "Tomorrow is going to be all about you. I'm going to make sure you don't think such silly thoughts anymore."

_Better start making some preparations now while we're both still awake. We won't be doing much else tomorrow, and I want to make sure there isn't something else I have lined up._

**Author's Note:**

> Well, here it is, my first work! Please do go easy on me. Or don't, I like seeing people talk about the stuff I make!
> 
> This fic came about because I was curious about something in the Tales of games; what happens to all the people you defeat? Are they killed? Subdued? Most games never really go over this, save Abyss and Berseria where the enemies are explicity killed.
> 
> And so with this, I decided to make Estelle and Yuri suffer. Because let's face it, killing someone would leave some pretty deep scars. I also had them both suffer in this fic, because I feel like "Estelle angsts about being kidnapped by Alexei and Yuri comforts her" seemed a bit too easy for me. I wanted to put Yuri in some emotional stress as well.
> 
> It's my desire to make something at least a bit original that also led me to make Rita the one to comfort Estelle, not Yuri. I may be Yustelle trash, but Estelle has other important people in her life, not just Yuri.
> 
> Anyway, feel free to tell me what you liked etc. And if you're nervous about leaving a comment and having people judge you, remember that my anxious brain let me post a whole fanfic. You don't have to worry about being judged. And if you can't think of anything to say, then you can just write "Kudos" or confess a showerthought you had or something.


End file.
